Inspiration Ave.

Legends live forever but rockNrollas die at 27.

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The most important person in my life. She worries too much.

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"Nah. I'm not smoking" (cigarettes). - It feels different when you actually mean it and have a reason. The glass is half full.

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I'm leaving court now. In the bail office as I try and reflect on recent history. I deleted my Facebook yesterday. The decision might've stemmed from my newest interpretation of the original Matrix movie and our 'plugged-in' society. It's only been 2 days but already I can feel my head clearing. The thought-tempest settling as the sun literally shines upon me.

My attitude toward work is improving although the money is not. I now find time to actively look for another job and the horizon once again gleams with possibilities in days to come.

I've had a new idea as of late, radical. I want to be millionaire. Not a phony, not a celebrity, maybe an actor but most importantly a businessman. I want to be my own boss. I see no opportunities while looking for work that would allow me to experiment and explore my potential. I want to start my own business. Soon.

I see now that psychology was a rouse. I thinly veiled subconscious attempting to steer me closer to a psychologist. I don't know when this new thought came to me, maybe just now. The point is I needed help psychologically and that was my way of seeking it. Now I find myself in need of another kind of help, monetary. I don't want to waste any more time. Look into the business. Stare if you must.

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Why are people (myself included) so obsessed with taking pictures? The spiritual me says live the moment and let it go. For being photographed is like leaving a small piece of you behind. You own the moment but at a cost. The real me says take many pictures and show them to people. Show them a piece of you they haven't seen and save them as a reminder of yourself. I want to destroy all photos of myself right now in preparation of my final transformation. Destroy the old me not to make a new mold but to be able to
Continually shape a new me. To not be held back but what people may think is me. There is only one of me and I'm a living person; not alive in some photograph in a drawer or album somewhere. Probably being forgotten; who's to say some things we remember aren't meant to be forgotten? This is a tangent but who says some animals aren't meant to go extinct? Who are we to try and save a species? What I
mean is why can't we let life unfold as it should without trying to selfishly salvage or own something which is perfect as it is? This I do not know.

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You're a piece of shit and I only write in you when im pissed off at something. Think about this one. March 20th er something '11, its a sat--Sunday now. La bellas. leaving early. cryptic notes to yourself. Virgins. Going to slee[

I think of the past like a bad dream. It's hard to pinpoint where all the negative came from but I'm just glad it's over. Almost over. I can't help but think how much better my personal life wouldve been had I had the insight to take control. I skill I still underperform. Dad. Maybe I'm just like my father.

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Sometimes just sometimes I feel like idgaf and I want all these drugs to fill my heart and maybe it won't feel so empty. I can't help but want to own and keep close that which makes me most happy. Not all of the blow in the world could get me as high as your laugh, lunatic high. And when you tell me you want nothing more than to just be friends I find out... TBC

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Is rather sweet. I'm posting this in a park's parking lot because I was feeling especially shitty today and decided to get some fresh air... And a blunt & brew. Feeling much better about life in general I thought I'd recap. The weather was especially crappy today, overcast with scattered showers, and having pushed the 'hanging out' issue with Amanda, who I'm developing real feelings for, and getting put on the back burner had me down. I didn't do shit today and even bailed on my sister. I'm currently blaming this all on the weather but what Chris told me the other day at work has been running laps in my mind. After being asked why he was so quiet at work by several co-workers he finally explained to me that his depression had come back. I was rather taken back that not only would he admit this but the way he said it, very matter-of-factly. I've spent too much time depressed so when I heard this from him I empathized immediately. I know it's a state of mind but it's radically different when it's your state of mind. Anyway I have many things to do and not enough lists for those so-called 'tings. It seems like some of the most productive people I know use lists. I make fun of them for it but I secretly want to make lists of my shit so I would hopefully get more shit done. I've successfully gotten Amanda off my mind. Or not. Lol. Ok then here's my first list:
1. Gym
2. Shower
3. Make a list for tomorrow
4. Get to sleep at a reasonable hour

Some of the things for tomorrow:
oil change, laundry, buy a hat and maybe shoes, gym, walk/shower dogs, look at apts, look for a second job.

Thing for the future: look for tattoo ideas, decide what kind of car you want, make a plan for finishing school, meet more women.

And with that I'm out. Not a big fan of this cold weather but i need to use it to my advantage. Be even more aware of what you say and how you act, especially at work.

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Here I am, in my room. It's 1240 on a Saturday night and I cant sleep even though that all I was bitching about today at work, all I thought about at work, and it's why I'm in bed... So, why can't I sleep? I feel as though life is passing me by and the calls I rejected tonight seem to be indicating just that. I want to say I miss sleeping next to someone but thats not true. In all honesty I've confused myself. I wanted to stay in but now that I'm here I wish I wasn't which in turn makes my decision to stay in pointless. I'm back on the front lines of life, I'm choosing my battles carefully now. I fear what may happen if I should lose another. I fear I can never achieve what I plan to, like I'm 2nd rate, a bum. I can;t stand being able to read peoples eyes and body language so well. I see them look at me and as they scan me I feel my most blaring weakness blinding any future impartiality. It hurts but I don't dwell and the only time it really bothers me is on nights like tonight. I have a strong heart.